Hello, my name is Crnkl Bck and I am an undertaker. Did I hear you draw in your breath or see you shudder? Would you be more comfortable if I referred to myself as a Funeral Director?

Would that change how you view me?

I’m really not a scary person and believe it or not, I’m a pretty funny guy. In fact, I’m about to tryout as a stand-up comic at the Comedy Club open mike night. I’m trying to think up some names for my show but it not easy. I mean, would anyone want to come and listen to “The Funny Undertaker” (oops, sorry, “The Funny Funeral Director”)? It conjures up all sorts of unsavoury images (don’t dissemble, we’ve all heard the stories).

But you know, being an U/FD (I’m sure you have worked that out) can be funny. Like the time I had a client whose husband wanted her to look serene and smiling for her open casket viewing. Well, this woman had obviously never smiled in her life and her expression, even postmortem, was fierce. Try as I might to massage her muscles into shape, I could not get any semblance of serenity or happiness. I finally resorted to little dabs of superglue to hold her new expression in place. Her husband was very pleased, until mid-way thought the viewing, the glue decided to unstick on one-side of her face. I can still picture the horror on the faces of those who witnessed this transformation, thinking that their dearly departed had somehow found a new lease on life. And the lop-sided grin was really very off-putting.

Writing jokes has also proven a challenge. I must avoid anything that can be taken too literally. Being an U/FD means that I have to be very careful as statements such as “died laughing”, “laugh until you die” or “split your sides laughing” may be too close to the bones (pun intended). And there are a whole lot of words I must avoid, like oven, fire, burn, stiff, pasty, rotten, whiff and moist. Well, the word ‘moist’ is easy to avoid as everyone seems to hate that word for reasons I don’t quite understand. Most of all, I must avoid any “graveyard humour” as it’s probably not funny coming from someone in the biz.
I’m about as ready as I’m ever going to be. I’m happy with my jokes (which I intend to deliver in a deadpan manner befitting an U/FD) and I have rehearsed and rehearsed. The only trouble is, my practice audience really didn’t laugh at my jokes and, except for when one of them released gas (quite a common occurrence), there was no response at all.

I do so hope my audience at the Comedy Club is a bit more engaged and I manage to slay them with my sharp wit. Then again, maybe not.