Hello, my name if Cssy and I have an unusual occupation. I am a professional matchmaker, but I prefer to call myself a relationship coordinator. You would think that in this day and age, with all the electronic dating sites at our fingertips, the skills of a relationship coordinator wouldn’t be needed. If anything, there appears to be a greater need for the services that I provide than ever before. That’s because the skill in matching two people is not in their swiping ability, but in how well they know themselves.

When I first meet with a new client, I take them through the obligatory checklist, wherein they list all the characteristics they are looking for in a potential life partner. Honestly, I could practically skip this part as people invariably list the same things. For the ladies, their list of non-negotiables includes that he must be tall, well established in his work (ie. comfortably well off, if not rich), independent (ie. not living with his mother or ex-wife) and funny. That last requirement always gets me! I mean, how do you define “funny”? It’s very subjective and what one person finds funny may leave another offended or confused. I once had an undertaker as a client, and he thought he was a very funny fellow. Everyone I matched him with didn’t find his graveyard humour the least bit amusing (some were quite offended,) even though they had all stipulated being funny as a prime requirement. I eventually found his perfect match in a lady who had absolutely no sense of humour at all, and while she may not laugh at his jokes, she is not offended by them either.

And the height requirement thing! By specifying that a potential mate must be at least 6 feet tall (yes, I know that is 1.829 metres, but it sounds much more romantic in Imperial measurement, don’t you think?), the ladies are straight away ruling out 83 percent of possible matches. And why on earth do they think that tall men will make better partners – is there something in the height gene that equates to being kinder, more loyal and loving when tall rather than short?

For the men, they always list physical attributes, chief of which is size and weight. She must be slim, oh, but she must also be curvy. Honestly, you would think that all my male clients were complete Adonises rather than short, balding accountants and bus drivers (I’m not sure why so many men in these professions need my services over and above other professions, but there you are!). And another thing, what makes men think that a woman aged between 25 and 35 (and slim and curvy!) is going to be interested in a man in his 50s and 60s?

So, as they are listing all the requirements of a potential partner, I’m listening more closely to all those little clues they are giving me about themselves. I studied psychology at university, and that has helped me in my line of work, but of equal importance is intuition and common sense.

I have had clients who are so adamant that they know exactly what they require in a partner that I sometimes humour them and line them up with someone who exactly matches their checklist. 9 times out of 10 it doesn’t go well. For example, I once matched a man who insisted that his potential mate must be sporty, as he considered himself to be an above average sportsman himself. One look at him and I had my doubts, but I matched him with someone who was very sporty (as well as slim and curvy) and he seemed very pleased. That was until he suggested they go for a run, followed by a picnic, on their first date. He was not pleased when she overtook him halfway around the park and had set up picnic by the time he puffed his way to the finish. She suggested that they go bowling on a second date, but unfortunately for him, she beat him in every game. With his male ego sorely dented, he was much more amenable to my suggestions of a woman who enjoyed watching sport and I am happy to say that he is now happily married to his not-so-slim-but-definitely-curvy couch-potato wife.

The point I’m making is that, if my clients are so sure of what they are looking for, why do they need my services? They can just go online shopping (beware of the returns policy people!).
In my experience, sharing the same core values is more important than liking the same things. You’re not joined at the hip to your partner and don’t have to do everything together (how boring would that be?). While you can enjoy a similar lifestyle you don’t have be into each other’s hobbies. For example, I have recently had a run of male clients who are obsessed with building and running model trainsets. Imagine if I had to find any ladies interested in that hobby! I did manage to find, for most of them, potential partners willing to sacrifice a spare bedroom to the train setups, and I also put all the men in contact with each other so they can play trains together. I saw that as just a little extra matchmaking service, which I provided free of charge.
I have quite a track record of success. I seem to attend quite a few weddings throughout the year, and I always wear my red dress and best hat to these weddings. It has come to be a symbol of my success.

Of course, you may ask why I am single and truth to tell, I’m just so busy making matches for others that I don’t have time. Oh, and I’m afraid I’m very choosy. For a start he would have to be over 6 feet tall as I am quite tall myself and, given that I am a successful businesswoman, he would need to be well-established as well. And I must admit, I do like someone who can make me laugh.

Oh yes, I certainly live by the motto “Do as I say, not as I do”.